"don't think too much"...."don't work so hard"

^^ above is something that has been stuck on my mind for a few weeks now.........

I feel compelled to write about it cos i'm scared that i'll forget this important "feeling" or "moment" in my life. these days my memory has been progressively getting bad to worse, and not sure if its aggravated because of work lol

There're days where i'll go to work, sit my ass down and just completely zone out and freeze - can't remember what is the 1st thing i'm supposed to do, which task to clear 1st (cos there's just too many work coming in back to back)....... the situation is worst than "burned out", i'm B U R N T

Behind the scenes after work - my weekends are spent on that 48 hrs to recharge, then the cycle starts again. 48 hrs seriously felt like 4 hours. I'm supposed to rest my mind, but i'm just being swarmed with very menial tasks like pay my bills, setup a new broadband line, setup my parent's passcodes or being the go-to person to solve the parents' chores etc. So much so that lately the past few weeks i've just been lashing out at my parents for no reason. I feel very bad afterwards, i feel damn guilty for reacting that way. But my emotions take over me alas and overall I just feel so tired and drained from the daily. I feel worse than being a hamster on a wheel

in the middle of all these................

I can't remember exactly which week this happened, the story is probably 1 or 2 weeks ago. The younger brother recently attended a funeral of his classmate - 24 years young. Passed on due to a heart attack -- her passing was a shock to many. Died lonely without many knowing except her parents cos she did not want to worry her friends.

Met up with with a close friend of mine to attend a concert and in the middle of our catchups she also shared a friend of hers also passed on young unfortunately due to an accident.

****life is short****

How many times have we heard of this?? We also know this, I always knew how fragile life was but this year I think i've heard of peers/colleagues/friends who passed on over and over....... of course there're happy moments like my close friends finally getting married or gave birth to children, healthy and strong..... 🥹  People come and go. But sudden deaths really hit me hard this year. Why am i still stressing out about work and whether I can complete them.......whether i'll still qualify for bonus next yr if i can't even hit my KPIs???

Been telling my dad day in and out that I wanna quit lol. I think i've been saying for the last 1.5 years LOL and yet i've been dragging out my resignation day after day 😂😂 Yet the algorithm and real-life stories I've been hearing/seeing tell me otherwise........

3 years ago when i started work again after uni - i faced the same cycle as i did now. Except it was much more worse and I was crying almost on a daily basis. Then i subconsciously told my dad that I was seeing a psychologist to deal with my issues and he chided me for wasting $$$ lol. In his time, it was probably [mental grit] instead of [mental resilience]. Of all the evening conversations that we've had, he has always consistently said this:

• "Don't work so hard."
• "No matter how well you do, your bxxx always takes all the credit"
• "Don't think too much and carry on"
• "Maximise the opportunities, take advantage of them within your ability. If you can't finish, then say you can't complete it"
• "The world will not stop because of you"

I didn't understand it back then. At times i felt like he didn't understand my feelings because the issues he faced in his time were different from mine now. What would he know about the hurt or the humiliation i went thru? What about my "dream career", the job i so desired back then, and "climbing the corporate ladder"?

But now, ***i think i finally get it*** 

Some nights, i feel his advice rings true. He's not telling me to be lazy, he's not being dismissive of my feelings. Some days when i feel so done at work, i just end up asking myself "why am i working so hard for this company that doesn't care if i'm no longer around?" The world goes on - a job posting will be up finding my replacement anyway. Just like my brother's classmate, the girl had a future ahead of her and probably was looking forward to her next day at work/school or possibly even stressing out about her future and bam -- gone the next moment. 

I'm thankful for a job, a role that serves me what I had wanted in that moment and surely it has delivered. As much as i'm lamenting, i've been reaping the benefits the last 3 years, slowly but surely. I think it has served the purpose that I desired badly back then. And now i just feel like a bot internally, doing the bare min to survive to meet my essentials.

I'd like to live.

At this moment, I really have no idea what will be my next step............😕