my holygrails ever since curly hair era

 yknow what. i'm slow (my progress is slow) but at least i'm gonna finish the race!

first written: 27 apr 3.29pm

timestamp now: 25 may 2.26pm

LMAO......... took me long enough to come back and finish up this post 🥲

gotta thank the reno guys for making me stuck here nearby the residence instead of chilling in the hotel.....i got est 3.5 more hours to go bruh 💀 and it's only the 2nd day................

anyway!!!! what prompted me to do up this post. it's been about 3 months since the curly hair era started so i thought why not note down some of the holy grails i really swear by that have been retaining my curls so far!!!!! 😄 considering i have asian, straight fine hair with frizz originally lol

my final verdict after 3months and this is what i would highly, HIGHLY recommend or avoid!!!!!!!!!!!

✅ 1. olaplex no3

WHATEVER IT HAS inside this bottle.........it's amazing omg.

found it thru the comments via reddit, and it really did not disappoint considering the hefty price tag 🥹

verdict: went thru 3 bottles of it / 10 LOL

best used pre-wash, and i marinate that shit in for 30mins or more! (though they say 10-15 mins is good enough). i love the look on me once i get out of the shower lolol

✅ 2. mise en scene hydrating hair serum

i think this is meant for girlies with super dry hair texture but i don't like serums that leave my hair greasy after washing, so this is perfect! once you apply this all over your damp hair, it doesn't leave a sticky feeling on your hair, absorbs well, and your hands don't feel sticky after at all (legit like water). 3 pumps was just nice for my fine, medium length hair. and then i top it off with the hair bonnet to sleep in it and wake up with my curls still bouncy and plump --- loveeeeeeeee it so much 💗

🛑🛑  3. repit kera styling foam

well this was recommended to me by the hair stylist that did my hair -- i must say the curls were alot more defined and bouncier if i applied this but i felt like it also weighed my hair down too after a while. and then she also recommended to use 8-9 pumps each time which i thought was fking crazy lol 🫣

warmness on the soul

 relistening to my old time metalcore songs hit me with nostalgia real quick..........

the days where songs truly brought me solace in those lonely times..........

a7x......forever ✌🏻🕊️

Your hazel-green tint eyes watching every move I make

And that feeling of doubt it's erased

I'll never feel alone again with you by my side

You're the one and in you I confide more

And we have gone through good and bad times

But your unconditional love was always on my mind

You've been there from the start for me

And your love's always been true as can be

I give my heart to you

I give my heart

'Cause nothing can compare in this world to you, whoa

And we have gone through good and bad times

But your unconditional love was always on my mind

You've been there from the start for me

And your love's always been true as can be

I give my heart to you

I give my heart

'Cause nothing can compare in this world to you, whoa

I give my heart to you

I give my heart

'Cause nothing can compare in this world to you, whoa

manifestation really works?

i should've wrote this thing down right after i receive the blessings but -- forgive me i was shook, tired, drained, overwhelmed, blessed (all these damn feelings at one go)

over the weekend was the kinda the BEST thing to sort out these feelings and chill but guess what, i was stuck with doing a deck and up for review with the boss tomorrow......🫩

am taking out whatever tiny pockets of little time that i have to churn this out!

A LOT has happened since late feb/early mar. the TLDR version is........

Was supposed to chill with R right after she got back from her trip to dubai/bkk, but...............

0.1) noting this down before i forget but i really plucked up enough courage to do a permanent spiral perm on my hair!!!! it was like a C3 curl at best. girl came out looking like george washington II out of the salon LOL

happy to report that the waves are looking more like what i wanted now post 1mth treatment.

though i must admit its fking high maintenance work and gets me stuck in the bathroom like way longer than usual 🫩

though i can't complain right, it was what i wanted to do for the longest time HAHAH

1) i fell sick. like really sick. almost like a severe strain of flu bug and was out cold for like a good week+

2) by the time i recovered, the grandma was readmitted to the hospital and was out at infectious diseases ward for like a week too. was soooooo done wearing the damn PPE too during visits!!! i missed out hanging with the work colleagues cos i was severely drained from the work.............

3) by the time i recharged enough, went on a mini girls trip with C during PH (gd fri season vibes) and what was supposed a relaxing girls trip turned out to be me crashing out a good quarter of the trip cos i was overly anxious lol

a lot of tea and trauma spilling during this session............i felt slightly relieved that i was able to get it out thru my system since i've never confessed to anyone else before. but the trip and conversation really explained the behaviour i was having during the whole time lol

BUT despite it all......both of us still have a well rested break and the sleep was good!!!!! (i thought i'd not sleep well at all lol) 🫪😂

came back sg by day3 late afternoon lowkey about to cry because time passed by fast....and truly!!!! the trip really did make me NOT think about work at all. the entire time i was just focused on shopping and buying out the store LOL

looking forward to the next trip once the house reno is off the list....................

4) the blessings arrived last week. it has called upon me, lol.

got the promotion that came through unexpectedly! though indeed, it has been long overdue LOL

i could've listed 100 over reasons why it finally came through (because there was simply nobody else left in the cohort).......the worst in me already knew why it was finally my turn

but..........idk how...............i have managed to pull through all this while 🥹🥹 after complaining for so long and so much HAAHAHA

i guess it gives me extra leverage to jump ship now 😂

the one above has been protecting me all this while

 yet!!!!!!!!!!!!! another one bites another damn dust 🫣

came out of the shower reading to the news that Cxttxn Xn is out of the game!!! Like what?!?!!

i can't even recall which year was it that i applied and felt a sense of uneasiness after the particular convo. something just didn't feel right.

i let go. every now and then, i looked back wondering if i should be braver at that time.

now, reality hit me yet again that all of this was REDIRECTION away from these shenanigans!!! like what!!

YOU have been protecting me all this while............and all this time i felt like it was cowardice of me to back tf out! because yes, i think i'd felt 10x even more miserable knowing that the ship was sinking and it'll roll into a day where i wakeup and realise i might not even get paid!!!!! (yes atp receiving a stable cashflow means more to me than ever 🫠)

tempted to write this just for YOU! yes, thank you, thank you, and thank you for guiding me all this silently, unwavering. while i was lamenting about the daily life in my current job (still don't like it but just gotta toughen up and stick it out!!!!!!!!!)

i'm grateful for you and your direction to trust my gut instincts. #blessandblessed  👉🏻👈🏻

another one bites the dust!

what a great way of telling me economy is not doing well lol.......woke up to seeing this on fb feed this morning (2 days late)

🥲🥲... another core memory of my past gone once more!

(anyone that knows the HG custom enhancer highlighting drops is the real deal 🥹✨)

i can't tell if i'm reading too many horror stories online that got me paranoid or if i'm just being over hyper-critical these days......questioning way too much and googling the worst case scenario of it all....

then again, what made me this way?

i've heard way too many stories that i can't risk it all. its giving "i almost can't believe this is happening to me" vibes....... my guards are way high up at 1000%, hoping to not get myself hurt again   >.<|||||

i'm not hopeful of anything else........

meanwhile, i guess i'll keep myself busy with the upcoming reno which is happening reaaaaalllll soon (stressful halps lord 😫)

2025 wrapped (E version)

 the start of the 30s sure feels......odd

C's right - indeed i woke up feeling like normal lol. though my bones are lowkey dying on the inside 😅

i think i've always said this every year but 2025 flew by exceptionally fast for me. i really spent the 2025 year hitting the milestones of every other friend i had except my own.......while i continued to bury my head in my work and doubting my value in the workplace........

things that i've checked off in 2025:

>        being a bridesmaid

>>      going on an impromptu 2d1n trip to jb with c after her resignation

>>>    trying to keep my fitness in check for the wedding by increasing my exercises

>>>>   celebrating R's grad from uni

>>>>>  really ramping up my jpn practices (but started to slow down again.......)

>>>>>> attending my very 1st housewarming with R a wk ago!!!

recently went on a murder-mystery trail game with C and rediscovering how intrigued i was with history all over again just like 15 years ago.............

🎶 valen hsu - 泪海

regardless of how i feel now, how uncertain i feel about my future --- i'm still grateful for another year on earth. it's always etched on my mind where i used to say i never saw my life past 25. but here i am............. and i acknowledge there are many others who wished they had the chance to live for another day.

i'm thankful that both my parents are still alive, still fighting, my sibling - matured over the years. grateful for a job that i'm so called "job hugging" to, having some sort of monetary security. thankful for the friends that have stuck with me throughout, being tolerant of me, giving me the advice that i so needed (even though some may not be what i wanted to hear). i'm earning a decent amount that allows me to do slightly more splurges now, and also something in me urging to give back to society more. thankful that my role allows me to do occasional donations to the vulnerable, which i've been doing so for the last few years. i hope that i have the ability to continue doing so..................

regarding the road ahead.......

i can't see where i'm at in another 5 years.

i desire love so much. i want to be wanted, to be yearned and to be desired for.

at the same time i'm also terrified of settling down - because i'm scared the person i choose could also be a mistake and a wrong choice.

so tbh idk what i want anymore. my view of love and r/s has been warped for the last few years. my fear of growing old, letting my youth slip by through the sands of time.. seeing how my colleagues / friends started getting married, popping them babies out one by one also intensified my fear of being lonely, wondering if i actually did anything wrong the last decade of my life. sure, i hit my personal financial milestone before 30, but at what cost??? i felt like i prioritised so much of my early 20s on work, i barely had any social life except keeping in contact with the closest gfs that i could gel with. and right now, they're either attached / married / secured a house / at the very least talking about the potential future of them two, while i feel like i'm standing in the desert all alone by myself..............slowly waving them goodbye one by one as they've achieved their own milestones...........................and even though i know statically, i've avoided the first wave of divorce within this age range -- the conflicting emotions i have is all too confusing and overwhelming for me to bear

and i acknowledge marriage and relationships between in-laws are complicated. i don't think i'm ready for this yet. idw to end up being resentful in a marriage.

they say 30s will feel different and liberating, i hope it will develop that way naturally somehow. though i will say the last few years i've been gaining control of my life bit by bit, which i am happy about the tiny bits of progression

a bit emotional right now......... its always the people you least expect that send you the well wishes and remembers your special day 🥹.  truly indeed, expect nothing and appreciate everything that comes your way..........

timestamp: 30 dec 1:50pm

oops. got too emotional, walked away, craved in to jollibee fried chix then workout 2hrs + swim 1hr and hit the damn bed at 11pm woooooow! summary of the start of my 30s hahaha. i swear my eyes just closed after watching like 2 yt vids and then i was out cold the whole night till 7am.

it was emotional, peaceful, as-per-normal vibes just like what i wanted. 🥹 i received so many surprising texts from the people i least expected after my mini breakdown ytd LOL. i guess i'm just overthinking as usual i guess  >.<|    F finally texted even though i was hoping for it the whole time yesterday 🫣 i guess sometimes the most unexpected things do come if u stop yearning for it so much! and yes i need to stop catching feelings for people............🫠🫠🫠

if i can sum up 2025 in a nutshell, i guess i was really a giver this season. like, i really invested in all my time for my girlfriends and gave my fking all, poured my whole damn soul and everything into it 🫨  there were times in-between where i paused and stopped myself, "is this really worth it? would they appreciate it? would they reciprocate and give back the same energy like i did when its my turn?  what if i go overboard and it bothers them?"

and then i found myself thinking, 

"expect nothing and appreciate everything"

"do it out of goodness and not to impress people"

"you're not a true friend if you're expecting ppl to give back what you think you deserve"

yada

yada

yada

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i think that's how i ended up with what i am now, drained, dead, soul-less and almost hollow and empty at the same time. happy that i have this opportunity in this lifetime with my gfs, lonely at the next thinking when's my turn. then again, when's the next time i am doing this again? probably never, or if i'm lucky enough, maybe the next 5-10 years max. by then, would i even be around? i hope i am still sticking around seeing how my future pans out (for the best i hope)

farewell to yet another memory

 i've come to realise what adulthood means to me is saving so many posts on IG and FB thinking one day i'll come back to it to write about it in detail but then proceeds to leave it there for months HAHAHAA

🎶 exile - もっと強く

few months ago, algorithm got me finding out this:

**truly the end of an era........**

lol i should've taken that chance to snip my rankings on that site then HAHAAH but now its all gone.... 

:(

MUA summed up my post school life, mid college days when i was a newbie at makeup, got bolder with my looks, the kylie boom and also not forgetting the youtube "beauty guru" days HAHAHAAH

if you can't trust a guru, then hop on to that site HAHA and give your true blue honest opinion on products without having to worry about being cancelled

and strangers bumping up your reviews if they were solid were like a huge boost to my ego LOL

sigh.......idek when i stopped giving reviews. probably when i really started working full-time. by then i barely had any time churning out like lengthy reviews but i still hopped on to the site hoping to find some worthy reviews if i needed to splurge on something at sephora. those were truly the days, i miss it so much................... didn't think so much nor hard about my future and work and life........................

Quotes I'm leaving this here for memory sake

 as the title suggests.......... screenshotting this initially to serve as a memory

but i'm clearing desktop disk space lol so deciding that leaving it here digitally is the best when i look back HAHA

investing more time here than my other babies more than ever

 within the span of a month, work has only been getting crazier than ever 😫

the off days i managed to apply in between or with the tiny pockets of time i have in between my off work hrs, weekends -- i feel like i have 100000 things on my checklist to do. do up my resume, website and all that stuff. then i just end up half assing my way thru and push it off till next week and the cycle repeats HAHHAA

**still**, i'm amazed that i managed to beautify up my portfolio with whatever time i have HAHAHA 🥹 am i fking genius or what - its not the BEST but i think for me to do this thing up within a 2 hr timeframe its presentable la. i just need more traffic to flow thru the site and then BAM a chance to land on a role with better prospects LOL

this is gonna be a 1st world thing but i didn't know notes have started to help u calculate amounts like this now omg??

this is literally a godsend to me. gone are the days where i need to whip out calculators to manual punch the numbers cos my brain can't math on offdays LOL😂

current desire on my mind is to just take a long break aka go on a cruise and just mentally log out from corporate life..........*sobs*

writing this down just for memory sake - these days lowkey envious of G who alr announced her departure from the team. idk what to feel la......

happy for her since she can let go of work and the tireless nights chionging hard for the ongoing projects like siao...and finally embark on her retirement life 😭. but am sad because her humour carried me thru the daily shenanigans of NF office days lol.

come to think about it - its been about 1.5 years since being assigned to this team (not by choice). started off rocky, lukewarm at the start.....i remembered even telling F that idk how i'm gonna work with this team and at the start i really fking dreaded going to work just to meet them cos it was THAT awkward. but i guess the daily chaos were really the glue that kept this team going lmao because the lunches soon became the gossips and complaining sesh and thrash talking that sustained me till this day 😂😂  HAHAHA

but alas. all things must come to end......

her departure will leave a void in my office life. at least for now......

我羡慕 - 她能颐养天年

while the rest of us will still be here for a little while more because financials burdens keeping us stuck HAHA

and its only today i realised:

羡慕 - envious/jealous

仰慕 - admire

so yeah, i'm definitely envious of her. LOL

in other news... finally got the chance to watch the infinity castle arc today

verdict: 5/5

a pity the 2hr35min screentime covered basically 1/3 of the arc. what was i thinking really, i was sitting there thinking they were gonna animate the full arc (which is basically impossible because too many fights and backstories in between to complete the 2hr timeframe lor). i'm pretty sure netflix's gonna pick this up sooner or later but there were so much trailers on yt when i was killing time so why not right?

no regrets  ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

only made me even more excited for the sequels (tho i already know it since i finished reading the book LOL)

now....time to continue working on the 9999 other stuff i am supposed to be working on but procrastinating.........haha

"don't think too much"...."don't work so hard"

^^ above is something that has been stuck on my mind for a few weeks now.........

I feel compelled to write about it cos i'm scared that i'll forget this important "feeling" or "moment" in my life. these days my memory has been progressively getting bad to worse, and not sure if its aggravated because of work lol

There're days where i'll go to work, sit my ass down and just completely zone out and freeze - can't remember what is the 1st thing i'm supposed to do, which task to clear 1st (cos there's just too many work coming in back to back)....... the situation is worst than "burned out", i'm B U R N T

Behind the scenes after work - my weekends are spent on that 48 hrs to recharge, then the cycle starts again. 48 hrs seriously felt like 4 hours. I'm supposed to rest my mind, but i'm just being swarmed with very menial tasks like pay my bills, setup a new broadband line, setup my parent's passcodes or being the go-to person to solve the parents' chores etc. So much so that lately the past few weeks i've just been lashing out at my parents for no reason. I feel very bad afterwards, i feel damn guilty for reacting that way. But my emotions take over me alas and overall I just feel so tired and drained from the daily. I feel worse than being a hamster on a wheel

in the middle of all these................

I can't remember exactly which week this happened, the story is probably 1 or 2 weeks ago. The younger brother recently attended a funeral of his classmate - 24 years young. Passed on due to a heart attack -- her passing was a shock to many. Died lonely without many knowing except her parents cos she did not want to worry her friends.

Met up with with a close friend of mine to attend a concert and in the middle of our catchups she also shared a friend of hers also passed on young unfortunately due to an accident.

****life is short****

How many times have we heard of this?? We also know this, I always knew how fragile life was but this year I think i've heard of peers/colleagues/friends who passed on over and over....... of course there're happy moments like my close friends finally getting married or gave birth to children, healthy and strong..... 🥹  People come and go. But sudden deaths really hit me hard this year. Why am i still stressing out about work and whether I can complete them.......whether i'll still qualify for bonus next yr if i can't even hit my KPIs???

Been telling my dad day in and out that I wanna quit lol. I think i've been saying for the last 1.5 years LOL and yet i've been dragging out my resignation day after day 😂😂 Yet the algorithm and real-life stories I've been hearing/seeing tell me otherwise........

3 years ago when i started work again after uni - i faced the same cycle as i did now. Except it was much more worse and I was crying almost on a daily basis. Then i subconsciously told my dad that I was seeing a psychologist to deal with my issues and he chided me for wasting $$$ lol. In his time, it was probably [mental grit] instead of [mental resilience]. Of all the evening conversations that we've had, he has always consistently said this:

• "Don't work so hard."
• "No matter how well you do, your bxxx always takes all the credit"
• "Don't think too much and carry on"
• "Maximise the opportunities, take advantage of them within your ability. If you can't finish, then say you can't complete it"
• "The world will not stop because of you"

I didn't understand it back then. At times i felt like he didn't understand my feelings because the issues he faced in his time were different from mine now. What would he know about the hurt or the humiliation i went thru? What about my "dream career", the job i so desired back then, and "climbing the corporate ladder"?

But now, ***i think i finally get it*** 

Some nights, i feel his advice rings true. He's not telling me to be lazy, he's not being dismissive of my feelings. Some days when i feel so done at work, i just end up asking myself "why am i working so hard for this company that doesn't care if i'm no longer around?" The world goes on - a job posting will be up finding my replacement anyway. Just like my brother's classmate, the girl had a future ahead of her and probably was looking forward to her next day at work/school or possibly even stressing out about her future and bam -- gone the next moment. 

I'm thankful for a job, a role that serves me what I had wanted in that moment and surely it has delivered. As much as i'm lamenting, i've been reaping the benefits the last 3 years, slowly but surely. I think it has served the purpose that I desired badly back then. And now i just feel like a bot internally, doing the bare min to survive to meet my essentials.

I'd like to live.

At this moment, I really have no idea what will be my next step............😕