the start of the 30s sure feels......odd
C's right - indeed i woke up feeling like normal lol. though my bones are lowkey dying on the inside π
i think i've always said this every year but 2025 flew by exceptionally fast for me. i really spent the 2025 year hitting the milestones of every other friend i had except my own.......while i continued to bury my head in my work and doubting my value in the workplace........
things that i've checked off in 2025:
> being a bridesmaid
>> going on an impromptu 2d1n trip to jb with c after her resignation
>>> trying to keep my fitness in check for the wedding by increasing my exercises
>>>> celebrating R's grad from uni
>>>>> really ramping up my jpn practices (but started to slow down again.......)
>>>>>> attending my very 1st housewarming with R a wk ago!!!
recently went on a murder-mystery trail game with C and rediscovering how intrigued i was with history all over again just like 15 years ago.............
πΆ valen hsu - ζ³ͺζ΅·
regardless of how i feel now, how uncertain i feel about my future --- i'm still grateful for another year on earth. it's always etched on my mind where i used to say i never saw my life past 25. but here i am............. and i acknowledge there are many others who wished they had the chance to live for another day.
i'm thankful that both my parents are still alive, still fighting, my sibling - matured over the years. grateful for a job that i'm so called "job hugging" to, having some sort of monetary security. thankful for the friends that have stuck with me throughout, being tolerant of me, giving me the advice that i so needed (even though some may not be what i wanted to hear). i'm earning a decent amount that allows me to do slightly more splurges now, and also something in me urging to give back to society more. thankful that my role allows me to do occasional donations to the vulnerable, which i've been doing so for the last few years. i hope that i have the ability to continue doing so..................
regarding the road ahead.......
i can't see where i'm at in another 5 years.
i desire love so much. i want to be wanted, to be yearned and to be desired for.
at the same time i'm also terrified of settling down - because i'm scared the person i choose could also be a mistake and a wrong choice.
so tbh idk what i want anymore. my view of love and r/s has been warped for the last few years. my fear of growing old, letting my youth slip by through the sands of time.. seeing how my colleagues / friends started getting married, popping them babies out one by one also intensified my fear of being lonely, wondering if i actually did anything wrong the last decade of my life. sure, i hit my personal financial milestone before 30, but at what cost??? i felt like i prioritised so much of my early 20s on work, i barely had any social life except keeping in contact with the closest gfs that i could gel with. and right now, they're either attached / married / secured a house / at the very least talking about the potential future of them two, while i feel like i'm standing in the desert all alone by myself..............slowly waving them goodbye one by one as they've achieved their own milestones...........................and even though i know statically, i've avoided the first wave of divorce within this age range -- the conflicting emotions i have is all too confusing and overwhelming for me to bear
and i acknowledge marriage and relationships between in-laws are complicated. i don't think i'm ready for this yet. idw to end up being resentful in a marriage.
they say 30s will feel different and liberating, i hope it will develop that way naturally somehow. though i will say the last few years i've been gaining control of my life bit by bit, which i am happy about the tiny bits of progression
a bit emotional right now......... its always the people you least expect that send you the well wishes and remembers your special day π₯Ή. truly indeed, expect nothing and appreciate everything that comes your way..........
timestamp: 30 dec 1:50pm
oops. got too emotional, walked away, craved in to jollibee fried chix then workout 2hrs + swim 1hr and hit the damn bed at 11pm woooooow! summary of the start of my 30s hahaha. i swear my eyes just closed after watching like 2 yt vids and then i was out cold the whole night till 7am.
it was emotional, peaceful, as-per-normal vibes just like what i wanted. π₯Ή i received so many surprising texts from the people i least expected after my mini breakdown ytd LOL. i guess i'm just overthinking as usual i guess >.<| F finally texted even though i was hoping for it the whole time yesterday π«£ i guess sometimes the most unexpected things do come if u stop yearning for it so much! and yes i need to stop catching feelings for people............π« π« π«
if i can sum up 2025 in a nutshell, i guess i was really a giver this season. like, i really invested in all my time for my girlfriends and gave my fking all, poured my whole damn soul and everything into it 𫨠there were times in-between where i paused and stopped myself, "is this really worth it? would they appreciate it? would they reciprocate and give back the same energy like i did when its my turn? what if i go overboard and it bothers them?"
and then i found myself thinking,
"expect nothing and appreciate everything"
"do it out of goodness and not to impress people"
"you're not a true friend if you're expecting ppl to give back what you think you deserve"
yada
yada
yada
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i think that's how i ended up with what i am now, drained, dead, soul-less and almost hollow and empty at the same time. happy that i have this opportunity in this lifetime with my gfs, lonely at the next thinking when's my turn. then again, when's the next time i am doing this again? probably never, or if i'm lucky enough, maybe the next 5-10 years max. by then, would i even be around? i hope i am still sticking around seeing how my future pans out (for the best i hope)
No comments:
Post a Comment